


when the sun came up, i was looking at you

by applesaucecatra



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arson, Bad Ending, Car Accidents, Character Death, Crime, Death, F/M, Graphic Description of Corpses, Graphic description of car accident, Grief, Grief/Mourning, I wrote this in three hours, Jade dies, Understandably, also beck dies too i forgot, beck is heartbroken, dont talk to me, for ana, it touches on brain injuries too, minor cabbie, no beta we die like men, no closure for anyone, no happy ending, sry, take care while reading bc there's several possible triggers, xoxo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:02:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29770386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/applesaucecatra/pseuds/applesaucecatra
Summary: — eventually, though, beck realizes that the logistics of it don’t matter anymore. the only notable aspect of the entire situation is that jade is gone.
Relationships: Beck Oliver/Jade West
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17
Collections: Commiting a Crime





	when the sun came up, i was looking at you

**Author's Note:**

> hey! this is my work for the february bade prompt, which had two rules:  
> 1) major character death  
> 2) crime  
> i'm gonna be totally transparent with you. i wrote this in three hours. we had like a whole month for it but i deleted everything i'd written a good 5 or 6 times and i just couldn't find anything that i liked. so now we are met with this, which i still don't like but it's already late so fuck it!!!  
> n e ways, trigger warning! this is a fic about a fatal car accident. it's kinda an in-depth description of the accident itself, and then there's a lot of stuff touching on grief and trauma and the following effects from an accident like that. also i delved a tiny bit into jade's injuries which are brain related and beck's which are pretty minor. aaannndd there's a minor description of jade's funeral/her corpse. then there's arson at the end and a mildly detailed description of that. basically just please b careful and if u need more info just dm me on twitter @iiiicittaffairs  
> ok sorry in advance bye

Love is like 2 porcupines trying to huddle for warmth  
(Schopenhauer’s “Parable of the porcupine”)

—

The crash is unanticipated, but it doesn’t happen in the way that Beck would've expected.

If you asked him (pre-crash) what he thought something like that would feel like, he would’ve told you that it’s shocking. Shocking, and quick, and it comes and goes faster than you can even comprehend what’s happening. That’s why it feels so strange, Beck thinks. Instead of the breakneck, blink-and-you-miss-it scraping of metal and the rapid flips of the car that you barely process… it felt so gradual.

Maybe it’s because he didn’t black out. Maybe it’s because he saw the other car coming, headed straight for the passenger side where Jade sat, disregarding the red light that should have, was SUPPOSED to stop them. He knew it was happening, and he knew he couldn’t do anything to prevent it. And so he slammed on the brake, thinking maybe he could stop just before the other car zipped across the intersection, but knowing it wasn’t gonna happen. 

It wasn’t like Beck had never seen a wreck, or even been loosely involved in one. He had to bear witness to a handful of them while driving through Los Angeles, and he’d even been directly behind one, once. That night, a piece of bumper flew at his windshield, and he ended up spending hours at the scene with the cars that actually crashed.

Therefore, it wasn’t entirely foreign to him. Still, he decides, seeing car crashes is no preparation for being in one. Especially ones like this. Now, he’s just left with the gut-wrenching pain of knowing, of seeing everything happening before his eyes as if he was living in a motion capture. Regardless, though, of the horror of watching the car ram into his ‘67 GTO, of the pain he endured from the 20 stitches he had to get, the pain from dislocating his knee and bruising his collarbone — none of it mattered. Not a single thing could possibly outweigh the agony of loss, of grief, of feeling so _fucking _alone.__

__Beck had lost the one person that had ever mattered to him._ _

__And Jade’s death, just like the crash, was gradual and slow, painful to watch. But her death, too, just like her life, felt almost purposeful._ _

__Not in the sense that she wanted to die, or that she tried to — more so, instead of fear and uncertainty, she held an air of acceptance. She didn’t seem scared. (Admittedly, she wasn’t fully conscious, but Beck believes she still knew what was happening.)_ _

__In the five hours between the crash and her passing, the news from the doctors got progressively worse, and Beck knew where it was going. He was one of the two people that were allowed or wanted to see her, tubes and all, in her hospital room. The other was her mother, who only stayed for twenty minutes before she “had to go,” because it was “just too much.”_ _

__Beck thought it was bullshit. Your daughter is on her deathbed, taking breaths that could be her last, and you leave?_ _

__In any case, he stayed. After he was granted permission to leave his own room (he yelled, a lot) he made his way to room 218, found a chair, and held on to Jade’s hand as tight as he could without fearing he would break her._ _

__Her injuries, the doctors said, were just too intense — when the other car collided with Beck’s, it T-boned directly into the passenger side where Jade sat. Jade, ever the rebel, opted on this particular drive to ride without her seatbelt, and when the car hit, she lunged forward and hit her head on the protruding airbag. As a result, she fractured her skull (amongst everything else) and developed a hematoma. The combination of traumatic brain injuries, plus the intensity of both, would apparently be too much for anyone to withstand. In fact, the doctors were shocked she made it as long as she did._ _

__Beck wasn’t. His girlfriend was tough, and she would never in her life go down without a screaming, crying fight._ _

__But, after hours of uncertainty, down she went, and Beck had never felt that kind of pain. He sat in the room with her for twelve minutes after the heart monitor flatlined, then he left to allow the doctors time to deal with the after effects._ _

__When he got to the ICU waiting room, he was met with stares from his parents, Jade’s mom, Tori, André, Robbie, Cat, and what he assumed was Jade’s stepfather (who she’d never let him meet.) It was evident that the doctor had already been out to share the news, because not a single cheek was dry, and Jade’s mom was letting out guttural groans as her stepdad tried consoling her._ _

__The rest of it was a blur. He knew his parents smothered him, trying to help but miserably failing, and he knew André and Tori kept hugging him and he wanted to tell them to fuck off and stop touching him because he felt so, so much _hurt, _and then there was legal talk and “who was at fault?” and Jade’s mom blamed him but why the _hell _would he have done it on purpose? Why would he willingly take away the only person that made him feel like he could take a fucking breath?_____ _

______Eventually, though, Beck realizes that the logistics of it don’t matter anymore. The only notable aspect of the entire situation is that Jade is gone._ _ _ _ _ _

______The worst of it, shockingly, wasn’t the accident or the events that followed. It wasn’t her funeral, or specifically the sight of his girlfriend’s too-pale body, adorned with a white tulle dress that he knew she would have absolutely hated. It wasn’t the look on her mom’s face paired with the knowledge that she put him at fault, or even the fact that really, he blamed himself too._ _ _ _ _ _

______No. The worst, Beck decides, is when things start to get ‘better’._ _ _ _ _ _

______After a month, his friends start to smile more. They’re able to laugh and carry on conversations like human beings, not plagued with the constant thoughts eating away at their heads, chanting "Jade isn’t here" and "she’s gone she’s gone she’s fucking gone and she is never coming back." They eventually start to move on without her, and Beck is fucking perplexed as to how._____ _

__________After three months, her name is barely brought up, unless it’s someone making a joke about how much she would’ve hated the newest movies coming out or how she would’ve adored Sikowitz’s new semester play. Otherwise, it’s like she never existed. In fact, even though the school initially opted out of replacing her locker (out of misplaced respect) it was right around the three month mark that they’d apparently had a change of heart. So the black locker dressed with scissors and marked by her presence was wiped clean, and eventually, it was given to some transfer student who was just so _fucking thrilled _to have a locker so close to the school doors.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The next day, he finds out that Jade’s parents just moved. They found a new two-story, only 20 minutes away from the last one, but according to his mom, Jade’s family just “felt like they needed a new start.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The next month, Tori asks him if he’s interested in anyone. He knows that she probably wasn’t thinking when she asked, but then again, how could she not? He thought it was just a universal fact that Jade is, was, always will be his everything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________So, in Jade fashion, Beck spits venom at her. He squeezes his fists until his knuckles are stark white and grits his teeth and gives her absolute hell, telling her to mind her _fucking business, _but for her information he’s _not _and if he were, she would be the last person in this world to know._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He doesn’t see her in class for the rest of the day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________A week later, Robbie and Cat are joking with each other and she kisses his cheek. It shouldn’t have been a big deal in any realm of the universe, and he doesn’t think it would’ve been if he weren’t flying off the fucking handle, but for some reason it lights a horrid and raging fire in him. So he punches Robbie in the face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________After his episode, Lane calls his mom and tells her that Beck is being violent at school. He drove that morning (the pick-up truck) but she comes to pick him up anyway. She takes him straight to his psychiatrist, and she informs him she won’t move the car until he goes in and talks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He doesn’t. He goes in, begrudgingly asks for his psychiatrist, and they say she’s out on lunch and, if it’s an emergency, call her cell. He just tells his mom she’s off for the day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________That night, he hears his parents fighting in the kitchen. He can’t really make out everything, but the key words he hears are “getting worse” and “completely unhinged” and “it’s like he’s not our son anymore.” That, Beck thinks, is the final straw._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________After his mom tells him goodnight, he waits for 45 minutes. Then he goes downstairs, grabs his truck keys, $60 from his mom’s wallet, and a matchbox._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He knows he needs to do something. Admittedly, he’s not sure what, but he needs some kind of fucking release and he knows that it’s not gonna be healthy or constructive (when has he ever been?) but it will be cathartic and maybe, _just maybe, _it will stop the ringing in his ears.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________An hour and $36.44 later, he finds himself in front of Jade’s old house. He’s holding two jugs of gasoline, a box of matches, and his phone, and he finds that he really just doesn’t know what to do with himself. Then he starts thinking about Jade, and this house, and the nights that he’d driven by to pick her up or the handful of times she’d actually let him step inside, then he can’t help but think of the fights, the trauma and the pain she went through behind those walls, because she was handed the misfortune of her abusive fucking family, and he thinks about his so-called friends and how they’re so fucking fine with all of this and he doesn’t understand, cannot even begin to fathom how, and somehow her own parents are moving on from this, and part of him thinks they’re all being insensitive and inconsiderate and heartless, but the other part of him can’t help but think he’s the only one who is still stuck in this _dark fucking limbo. _And then it just all gets to be too much, so he unscrews the cap on the gasoline.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He’s never doused anything with gasoline, but he’s assuming it’s a really volatile practice, so he initially makes a point to avoid getting any on himself. Then he realizes he really doesn’t care, so he just starts swinging the jug and getting it everywhere that he can._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Once both bottles are good and empty, he pulls out a match with shaking hands. He struggles to light it, but once he has a flame, he moves to toss it onto the liquid, but then the flame goes out. For a split second, he considers that maybe he shouldn’t be doing this, and that his fire dying is a sign of that, but then he decides that it’s the only thing that will give him any kind of peace, and that Jade hated this place, so he grabs another match._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________When he throws the lit match in, the process reminds him of the crash. In the movies, they make it seem like a massive explosion, an instantaneous burst of flames, but instead, he’s able to watch the flames spread._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It gets quicker after that, though, and then he realizes he can’t breathe, and he’s so hot but he can’t tell if he’s on fire or if he’s just too close, and it feels like there’s mud in his lungs, and then he hears someone scream from next door. He wants to move, unsure of whether he wants to go towards the fire or run away from it, but his legs feel rooted to the grass. So he stands, until he falls, and then nothing else really happens. He can feel himself moving in and out of consciousness, and he wakes up completely at some point to find that the flames are in fact on him, and it’s so hot. He’s so, so warm. So he wills it to end._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________So it does. And it never begins again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
